“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.” ~ Psalm 18:2
Hello and happy Friday to you. I have been feeling very reflective this week. I have stuck with my healthier me project now since 6/27. That is 24 days . Hooray 🙂
I have said before that a watershed awakening gave me the impetus. I have also said that many different circumstances moved me inside of myself when it came to self-care. It was as though I compartmentalized that part of myself. Do you ever do that? At times that can be a survival skill. But eventually the part that you shove aside must be dealt with. It is my strong belief that the day of reckoning for some of those things is coming.
As I begin to deal with some of those things and heal from them, I know that God will be there for me. I have asked Him and continue to ask Him to keep me from sabotaging myself. He is helping me, and I am continuing to find answers.
In the past, when someone minimized me or made fun of me, I laughed it off but internalized it. I didn’t know I was doing that, but it is apparent that I did do that. What is different now (from the lengthy perspective of a little over 3 weeks)? Here is an example. I am determined to be my authentic self. I have a gentle heart~and I am determined to let that show in what I say and do. Thus, I can no longer permit myself to participate in arguments that strike me as harsh. A friend responded to that and said that since she is very wordy and kind of ‘in your face’ that when people are silent and don’t participate, she thinks of it as apathetic or cowardly.
Guess what? I didn’t get upset. I just calmly said that I can see that people might indeed perceive my non-participation in a debate as apathetic, cowardly, or aloof. I further said that it is my hope that when they know me better they will realize I am none of those. You see, there are many gifts but the same Spirit. I further explained (with complete peace in my heart, surprisingly) that some people are civil engineers and architects, and others are writers and ballerinas. I am not a civil engineer or an architect, that is certain. It would be foolish for me to design and build a building to demonstrate that I am not apathetic or cowardly about designing buildings. That doesn’t make me less of a person.
Some people are thoroughbred racehorses (and I deferred to her and said that the great debaters and fighters of the world are the thoroughbreds). Some are Palomino ponies. I am perfectly fine with being a Palomino when it comes to the divisive debate arena.What amazed me is that I accomplished the entire discussion calmly and did not feel bad as a result, and managed to convey my meaning without being hurtful. I will be my authentic self. I must honor my body, and I must honor my gentle heart. You see, there is a reason that I have been somewhat of a floater in my life.
By floater I mean that I have some things in common with people in multiple groups. But I don’t seem to have everything in common with any single group. The group doesn’t define me, but I feel somewhat at home with each of them. Surprisingly, there have been times that I thought of this is a negative trait. By now I can see that there is a reason behind that tendency. If I am expected to trade the authentic me for an imitation of group standards, then I can’t do it. In some ways I have been deferring to others and letting go of many elements that were important to me.
The Lord is my rock and He will sustain me through this transition. Some of the people in my life will be surprised by the reintegration of all parts of my heart back into my personality, mind, body, and choices. Some of them may even express it in amazingly insulting ways. But I MUST do this. He will put my hind’s feet on high places. I have to say, from the shelter of His loving arms, the view is glorious.