I was different; I still am

“I was motivated to be different in part because I was different.” –Donna Brazile

I have always marched to my own drummer. You see, I notice trends and movements in the culture. I always have. As a kid, whenever I complained about conditions, or things that were going on, my “betters” (you know, teachers, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles) invariably asked me what I was going to do about it.  I thought it was a good question then and now.

Don’t misunderstand me, sometimes I did not have a plan that would fix the situation, nor did I create one. Sometimes I discovered I was just griping for the heck of it. When I realized that, it brought me up short. I quit complaining so much. Today I plan to try to make it through the whole day without a complaint. I don’t mean that I will deny my feelings. I mean that I will hold myself accountable. You see, if I am not willing to commit my time, talent, and/or treasure to try to fix the situation, what is the point of complaining?

The week is zooming along. I have a plan. I will survive and I will sail over the choppy waters. The Lord is the wind beneath my wings, and He holds me aloft. March to my own drummer? Yes, I do. I don’t envy the “in crowd”. I fully realize that I don’t necessarily “fit in” with one particular crowd.

It does surprise me, though when I discover certain things. I don’t know if this happens to you, but here is the surprising thing for me. I tend to assume that I am accepted and loved. No, I am not trying to say I think everyone loves and accepts me. But I do tend to assume that there is a certain level of love and caring between me and let’s say a circle of friends, or between me and extended family members.Don’t we all do that> After all, that is perhaps why it feels like such a shock when you discover that you were never “one of them” in the first place. You think to yourself “really”? It feels so heartbreaking.

 

Now logically, of course you won’t be loved by everyone. That’s not what I am talking about. But these types of “discoveries” stop you in your tracks and wonder what personal flaws in you caused the rejection. Which brings me back to the beginning. If I recognize that I am “different” then why am I surprised by the rejection (that was apparently there all along but since I am different I never picked up on the rejection until I was ‘hit over the head’)?

I have an answer for that. Since I don’t tend to judge or reject, it never crossed my mind that they would. I have spent a lifetime believing, really believing, that everyone I know has the same good qualities that I have (but in higher doses), plus other good qualities that I do not possess, and pretty much no discernible bad qualities.

I do not see their rejection of me as a character flaw of theirs. i assume it is a character flaw of mine. It makes me doubt myself a bit and it feels as though I may be on thin ice around others. It makes me wonder whether rather than being warmly welcomed (which is my impression), some are actually hoping that I leave. But I realize that this is just a goofy overreaction on my more.

These doubts then commit me, all the more, to a live of love and patience. I cannot lash out (although I am tempted to). Generally I tend to “believe anyway” and double up the efforts to love. I figure that perhaps the rejectors will come around. That has often been the pattern in my life.

It does not appear that will happen in this particular situation. I have prayed for a year and a half for peace and healing, and to forgive. I am making my peace with it. That may be as far as it can go. My high need for closure is fighting that aspect of it.

So there it is. I am still a perennial optimist, but I realize that no matter how faith-filled and optimistic I am, if you are going to have to be in a deluge, it is a good idea to have a great big umbrella, a raincoat, and a lovely pair of galoshes.

I am here to say that God, and my dearest friends, and the treasured family members who always have my back are my umbrella, raincoat, galoshes, cup of coffee, quilt, and warm fire. You readers know the kind of people I am talking about. I am talking about the ones who just plain love you. They don’t roll their eyes when you talk, or use demeaning language. They include you, they accept you, and they don’t use you. They make life…amazing. Those people truly bless our lives.

Isn’t it a marvelous miracle when our lives have precious moments with people like that? Any day or hour spent with people like that makes life SPECIAL, SAFE, and oh so lovely.