Under what circumstances should you “expect” to be robbed

Let me ask you a question today. If you are getting to know someone, you usually go out for coffee, or go for a walk, or talk on the phone, or maybe go to dinner. As you get to know each other over those first few weeks, you are learning more and more. It seems you have a lot in common. Let’s say this new acquaintance is a cousin of a dear friend. That, too, creates a kind of trust and commonality.

OK, so let’s say this new friend says, when the check comes “i’ll buy dinner tonight”. You say, “OK, I will buy next time”. Well let’s continue the story. Let’s say this new friend invites you over for dinner a couple of weeks later. You come in, you put your purse over on the couch. You go out to the kitchen to help your friend make dinner. The friend leaves the kitchen to go to the bathroom. Let’s say, unbeknownst to you, the friend takes your credit card and bank card (and either keeps them or runs up on-line charges and empties your bank card — and takes all your cash).

You come in and try to stop the friend, but it is too late. You try to file charges, and the police explain that you probably won’t win, as you were at his house and thus should have expected this. To continue the story, let’s say the bank refuses to reverse the charges (because let’s say the law says that the burden of proof is on you, and it is your word against his). Your friends say that you should have known better, and you probably led him to believe it was ok for him to take all of your money. They say “of course he did; what did you expect?” But that isn’t how it works in our courts, because we have laws to protect our money. well, at least in theory we do.

Then WHY is it different for sexual assault? If a good girl is felt like she is being FORCED to submit to unwanted touching, and she files a complaint, people think it is no big deal. They find it impossible to believe that one could be so naive as to be unprepared for some guy forcing her to do a lap dance on his lap (basically forcing her to well, you know). Since they are both fully clothed, it isn’t rape, according to the law, as no actual penetration has occurred. He can reach right down under her clothes and grab her breasts. If she is terrified because he is big and strong, she is at a loss as to how to stop him. Again, both friends and strangers say “well, it’s hard to know who is at fault”. I say that it is NOT hard to know who is at fault. I recall events in my own life when I hear that said, you see. For if they believe it about that girl, I know they may also believe I have no ‘logical reason to be upset’.

Good girls do NOT expect someone to violate them. When they are violated (even if they are not penetrated), it is a shock. Sometimes they are so intimidated and frightened that they are rendered speechless. Sometimes they try to stop what is going on but cannot stop it and cannot get away. It is an assault on their bodies, spirit, heart, and soul. It is traumatic in an extreme way.

It is nearly impossible to win a court case on sexual assault charges. Remember, sexual assault involves intimidation or feeling intimidated, and unwanted touching. Why do friends belittle good girls when something happens to them? Why are they NOT outraged? Why do they continue the intimidation by minimizing her feelings, doubting her word, or saying that the event was her fault. Why do they try to intimidate and ostracize her if she does file a complaint? By the way, that outrage and sticking by the girl should be just as forthcoming if someone is a wild girl, but that is not the subject of this post.

My point is this. Someone should ALWAYS have to have ACTUAL permission before touching someone. Not implied permission, actual permission. The person should have to ASK. Some might say, “well maybe the guy had a different upbringing and it was ok in his culture”. I find it odd that they wouldn’t find it understandable if the same guy hot wired their cars, emptied their bank account, poisoned their pet, or vandalized their homes. Why the different standard when it comes to sexual behavior?

I do know this, in social settings, similar and even worse situations happened to me. The reaction of friends was just like it was for the girl above. It is minimizing, humiliating, belittling, and more. You see, no one should expect to be violated—and when one IS violated, there should be predictable consequences for the violator. There aren’t. You know it, and I know it.

All kinds of new laws have been written and enforced when it comes to identity theft and fraud. Apparently, our money and our credit records are worth far more than our women, at least as far as legal precedent is concerned. Some might say “well, what are YOU going to do about it?”. Here is my answer: “I will let you know. But I do know this, it is another form of subtle bullying.”

I have never been a resident of the town of Stepford. I do not intend to live there when it comes to this issue. My husband is not a Stepford husband. If we do not stand up for someone who has been wronged, what does that say about us? If we do not stand up for our “sisters” how surprised can we be if the behavior continues.

My name is Kate. Hear me roar.

 

About Kate Kresse

I love to write, I love to talk, I love to uplift people when I can. I am a woman in love with life. I am a wife, mom, tutor, writer, and I am a perennial optimist. (OK not every single minute but you get the point! :-)
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9 Responses to Under what circumstances should you “expect” to be robbed

  1. I will roar with you Kate.

  2. Kathleen says:

    VERY Powerful Kate! WOW! I could not agree with you more!!!

    • Kate Kresse says:

      Thanks, Kathleen. I have been trying for quite some time to come up with parallels and analogies to explain my feelings and thoughts; today I decided to try it this way. Even still, it is hard to completely put words to it. Thank you, Kathleen. I am glad it came across powerfully. That was my hope. Hugs to you~ ❤

  3. auntyuta says:

    When I was a young teenager, I could not imagine a guy would behave in such a way. I remember one morning walking to school with my friend Cordula. A guy who was definitely a few years older than we were approached us with a note. First I thought he wanted to give it to Cordula, but he straight away insisted that it was intended for me. He said he had seen us walking to school before and he would like to get to know me. After he went his ways I read the note. It was an invitation to a card game night with him as well as his friend and the friend’s girlfriend. The three of them were playing Skat, which is a very popular game in Germany. Just about everyone knows how to play this game. I actually knew the game quite well. It is played with three people. When there are four people, one person at a time has to miss out on one game, which works out well indeed. No guy in my whole life had ever wanted me to be his girlfriend. Lots of girls in my class had boyfriends. I went to an all girls school. So I didn’t know how on earth I would ever get a chance to get to know a boy or young man. I thought this was my chance. However meeting this guy involved going to his place. He had give me his address.
    Naturally I could not go there without telling my mother first where I planned on going. However when I told my mother about this card-night, she immediately smelled a rat. I was strictly forbidden to go to this guy’s place. And that was it. I never saw him again. Admittedly I was still very young. However my mother’s instincts alerted me. I was inclined to be very naive and trusting. But having such a suspicious mother stopped me from doing anything against her will.
    Maybe I have to thank her for never having had a bad experience the way this girl in your blog must have had. Thanks, Kate, for pointing this out, that there are guys who do not show any consideration towards a girl’s feelings. Do you think my mother was right in being very suspicious?

    • Kate Kresse says:

      I think your mom was concerned about that very thing. I think that is a valid concern, especially since you were young and understandably naive, and the chap was older. Especially back then, the young man should have asked your folks’ permission to ask you out. He should have been willing to spend time at your house before making such a bold request.

      Today so many of those formalities are gone. Yet the young girls who have been brought up to be pure and innocent cannot necessarily imagine that some young man means them harm. I tried in my analogy to compare it to theft and property damage. We know very well that people react far differently with property and money. I am so glad that your mom stopped you. The fact that the young man stopped his interest at that point demonstrates to me that he may have had some not so nice intentions. Otherwise he would have then gone to see your folks and gotten to know the family first!

  4. auntyuta says:

    Thank you so much for this reply, dear Kate. You explain it very well. I think so too he should have made contact with the family first. Did he have bad intentions? I am inclined to think he probably was not out to rape me or anything like that. I could be wrong, of course. And having been only 14 my mother was of course right to put a stop to it. I could see that it was her right to do this. I think I was already 18 when I started to do things against her will!

    So he did not approach the family and gave as a meeting place an address in an area my mother considered to be working class.

    All right, we were the poorest of the poor. But still Mum wanted to keep up some standards. How could I contradict her? At age fourteen I just could not.

    To me working class people seemed just as good as anybody else.. I definitely looked like being 16 already. This young man could not possibly know that I was that much younger. He probably was not used to having to ask a parent’s permission for inviting a 16 year old to a cards evening!

    • Kate Kresse says:

      Oh! I’m so sorry—I was thinking he was much older. He was no doubt young and naive too!!! I bet your mom was just protective of you out of her love. I’m sorry I misjudged the situation.

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